Warning: this post discusses substance abuse and suicide

if you are in CRISIS : https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

As a Teenager i was against alcohol. I saw what it did to my family and because of that i hated it. I didn’t care for drunken parties and never found it cool. I had sips of it here and there but really never cared for it.

I started college at the age of 17 and things were getting intolerable, i was starting to come to terms with a lot of traumatizing experiences yet had no positive coping options that helped. I was beyond frustrated as i tried going the medical center on campus for resources and no one seemed to understand.. there solutions were to “try coloring for 10 minutes” or “take these pills it will stop you cutting and you don’t need therapy”. This intensified my fears that i was in fact crazy and that no one would ever be able to understand or help me.

One night I made the decision to drink, it was just a fun college thing to do and i ended up drunk. Sadly, I fell in LOVE with the feeling- I didn’t really know why i just knew it felt different in a good way. the next day it was the only thing on my mind and i innocently thought “all college students do this, whats the big deal??” except not all college students are dealing with trauma.

It got worse from here. My girlfriend at the time was busy doing laundry and i was alone in the dorm room.. this same night a person i thought i was close to blocked me- no goodbye and no explanation they were suddenly gone.. and this set me down a terrible path..

I saw the alcohol sitting in the kitchen.. i started drinking and i very quickly lost count of how much i had drank or what i had drank, as i intended to get drunk and then overdose on medication. I guess in a way i was lucky that i got so drunk i couldn’t stand up.. much less open a bottle of pills. I got black out drunk.. my girlfriend returned and was overwhelmed with concern not knowing how to help me.. she did what she could but because i was drunk i told her i HAD taken a bunch of pills (which i hadn’t..) so she called for help .. i threw up a TON (yea.. probably TMI .. but its true.) she came to the conclusion after searching our place that i hadn’t taken pills and got me into bed. (i caused a lot of fear and panic for her that night)

Just when everyone thought I was safe- I started having seizures. it was around three or four in the morning from what I’m told- the on campus medical response team got there first and then the ambulance was called. the hospital i was taken to was less then helpful, in fact they were very mean and only made my suicidal thoughts worse. I had the worst headache i have ever experienced in my life.

since then i haven’t been drunk. that being said, i have struggled with alcohol like crazy- when i turned 19 i was excited at the thought of being able to secretly buy alcohol and numb the pain away whenever i wanted. I got urges and cravings to drink all the time and it was so awful going to Christmas dinners or hanging out with friends when they would have alcohol around and i knew if i started i wouldn’t be able to stop. It was INSANELY stressful. I couldn’t even walk past alcohol in the store or see adds without getting cravings and urges. I’m lucky that i had a family around me that not only made it very clear that honesty was a priority and so was respect but that alcohol and being drunk would not be accepted, of course at the time it was a BITCH to deal with but it kept me from becoming a full on alcoholic.

Today at 21 i don’t have these cravings or urges, id mach rather have a coffee then a drink and i will almost always turn down alcohol.

I have wanted to share this story for a while but as i am sitting in my house and it is a chaotic mess from preparing to move, There are bottles of wine or alcohol around and as i look at them i think to myself of how far i have come- if this was two years ago i would be sneaking alcohol and now i sit here and think….. these bottles are really in my way .. seriously, we have beer in our fridge that every time i see it i tell my family how none of us are going to drink it and make it clear that i am not pleased about the space it is taking up.

I have come so far… I actually haven’t solely focused on alcohol in therapy but over time i have learned other coping strategies and now i just don’t see alcohol as an answer. Beyond this i have a friend who has battled with alcohol since he was young and this month he took a huge step and has entered Rehab! meeting him and hearing his stories of how much alcohol has destroyed his life has made a huge impact on me and how i view it. its so easy at social gatherings for people to use alcohol as a way to celebrate and yet there are so many silent sufferers out there who are probably thinking… why do you need alcohol to celebrate?

If you are in Crisis : https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
you can contact them weather it is a crisis or not- they can also give you resources and information on topics other then suicide!

Published by LeannaJenkins

20 something trying to live my best life! passionate about helping others and sharing honestly about my own experiences!

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